May 24, 2005

Today in Science, we watched National Treasure & Andrew was sitting right next to me & the entire time my stomach was churning! It made me so nervous! But, it's not like it matters since he has a girlfriend anyhow. Grr. That is the only reason why I am jealous of Grace P. I can't stand her, but I really do want a boyfriend. Especially her boyfriend. I hate being desperate - even though I'm not - but kinda. I guess it's just that I hate wanting a guy and feeling like I need one. That's it. The feeling like I need one thing. Like, last week, I wasn't in this phase and I was perfectly comfortable with myself just as I was. But now, I'm always thinking about what guys are thinking about me. And I don't want to be focused on guys because I know my time will come - eventually. And I know I could take matters into my own hands and ask a guy out, but that just wouldn't feel right. I mean, I dunno. If I had to ask a guy, I wouldn't ask him to go out like be boyfriend and girlfriend because that's too much of a commitment. I'd just ask them to go out on a date. But I wouldn't do that. Partially because it doesn't feel right. Partially because I'd be too nervous. But, mainly because I don't have enough confidence. I mean, I am a confident person because I don't care what people think but I'm not confident in the fact that guys would be attracted to me. I mean, honestly, I think the only guy who ever like me is Marshall. And yeah. I dunno. Like I said, the other day, this is the type of thing I wish I could talk to Jay about. I mean, I could but I think he'd think something bad about me like I think he sees me as some annoying little kid. So, if I talked to him about it, I don't think he'd take me seriously. But going back to Andrew, I really like him and I'm positive about it. But, I dunno because he's really wierd and although I love that about him - I mean that's why most people can't stand him. Oh well. I guess nothing is going to happen.