Today was Matt's graduation. I was really proud of him! Afterwards, he was talking to all these cute girls and I dunno. I guess I was jealous. I mean, I'm used to being one of the few girls he pays attention to. And, I mean usually, he pays the most attention to me because we're really close. Like, we tell eachother almost everything. And like I said, it made me jealous and almost angry. I dunno. Then we went to their house for dinner and there were these two girls there. One didn't stay for very long - thank goodness but the other one wouldn't leave him alone. The one that stayed - her name was Jennifer I think. Anyways, he was kind of ignoring her but she was acting like hot stuff - which she wasn't - and it really got on my nerves. You know, I say that Matt is so protective of me, but I am really protective of him too. Then the other girls name was Peggy. Can't stand her. She dressed really slutty and then I was talking to Matt (finally) and he told me that he and Peggy like eachother but she has a boyfriend. Grr! Basically, I took at as if she didn't have a boyfriend, Matt'd be her boyfriend. And it really makes me mad. I guess in reality, I'm just really extra jealous. I mean, I don't think I like him, but I do. I just want him as a brother but I can't help having a crush on him. And he goes after all the cute girls and it really makes me jealous because just once, I want him to see me like he sees those girls. I want to be the one he pays attention to. I want to be the one he thinks about constantly. I want to me the one for him - but I'm not. And I hate that because that's what I want. I know I can't have him because he will never see me like he sees those girls. I'll always be like his best friend. That's it. No more. And it sucks so freakin' bad. Ugh.
Also, Jay is leaving and tomorrow is the last day I'll see him for like, 3 months. I'll get to see him in the fall. But that doesn't help any because I am going to miss him so much. I feel like I haven't gotten as close to him as I want to be. I mean, I really adore him - I really do. And I know that I am why I'm not close to him as I wish I was. Because I have to many reservations. Like, when I talk to Jay, he tells me something about DD and I know that they are really close. And if he talks about her - then wouldn't talk about me too? Plus, I'm a lot younger than him and I want him to see me as a friend - not some annoying little girl, which I think he does see me as. And I hate that because, yeah, I may be young, but I am really mature for my age and I just want to be able to talk to him and have him confide in me and I dunno. I dunno. I really don't know.
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Oh fifteen year old Emily. First of all, yes, you were mature for a 15 year old, but no 23 year old is going to see you as anything BUT an annoying kid. Because, news flash, all 15 year olds are annoying kids. Also, everybody talks about everybody, and it's not always nefarious.
This was definitely a phase in my life where I was interested in MUCH older guys - like 8-10 years older. I don't know if that's a normal phase or not, but your girl was there.
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