Well it was my last Monday. Kinda sad. But it's weird. It's always the same thing with guys. Like, when I'm at church, Matt gives me butterflies. But, when I am at school, Andrew H. gives me butterflies. But, like right now, neither of them do. Jay does! I dunno. And it sucks because I can't have any of them - even though I only want two. Jay is more of a brother. Then, Matt will see me as his best friend/little sister. Then Andrew H. has a girlfriend. I dunno. And with Matt - I don't want anything to happen there because so many people would be mad or upset. I know it. And with Andrew, if something ever did happen, all my friends would look down on me. But, now that I think about both of them, I get butterflies. See, this is the thing. I wish that I could talk to Jay about. I mean, I guess I could - but I dunno what he'd think. In my mind Matt is better for me because he, well - he just is. But Andrew - gosh! I love him to death! - Not like that though. Like, as a friend. That's another thing. I always have a crush on one of my friends so if anything happened to happen - lots of stuff would be all screwed up. At least, I'd think so. Also, I go through these phases. Like, I went through this "I need a boyfriend" stage. Then I went through the whole "Who cares?" stage. Now, I'm back to square one. I really, really want a boyfriend. Like, not to kiss or anything. But to be able to hold hands with, or have him put his arm around me. Or hug. I <3 hugs! But yeah. I mean, that's not the only reason - I want the closeness of the relationship too and getting to know the guy but yeah. Those are both equal in importance but what catches my attention. Like on Sunday, when I hugged Jay goodbye - when he was holding me - I felt so, I dunno, almost perfect I guess. And I felt safe. I felt like I was on top of the world. And it wasn't because of those butterflies because I know I don't like him despite those butterflies. But I want to have that on top of the world feeling and I don't. I dunno. But, I do know that whenever it happens, it will be more worth than it would be now since time makes the worthiness higher. I think...
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Well, again, cringing. And I love that I pretend like I don't have a crush on Jay when I one thousand percent clearly did.
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