May 24, 2005

Today in Science, we watched National Treasure & Andrew was sitting right next to me & the entire time my stomach was churning! It made me so nervous! But, it's not like it matters since he has a girlfriend anyhow. Grr. That is the only reason why I am jealous of Grace P. I can't stand her, but I really do want a boyfriend. Especially her boyfriend. I hate being desperate - even though I'm not - but kinda. I guess it's just that I hate wanting a guy and feeling like I need one. That's it. The feeling like I need one thing. Like, last week, I wasn't in this phase and I was perfectly comfortable with myself just as I was. But now, I'm always thinking about what guys are thinking about me. And I don't want to be focused on guys because I know my time will come - eventually. And I know I could take matters into my own hands and ask a guy out, but that just wouldn't feel right. I mean, I dunno. If I had to ask a guy, I wouldn't ask him to go out like be boyfriend and girlfriend because that's too much of a commitment. I'd just ask them to go out on a date. But I wouldn't do that. Partially because it doesn't feel right. Partially because I'd be too nervous. But, mainly because I don't have enough confidence. I mean, I am a confident person because I don't care what people think but I'm not confident in the fact that guys would be attracted to me. I mean, honestly, I think the only guy who ever like me is Marshall. And yeah. I dunno. Like I said, the other day, this is the type of thing I wish I could talk to Jay about. I mean, I could but I think he'd think something bad about me like I think he sees me as some annoying little kid. So, if I talked to him about it, I don't think he'd take me seriously. But going back to Andrew, I really like him and I'm positive about it. But, I dunno because he's really wierd and although I love that about him - I mean that's why most people can't stand him. Oh well. I guess nothing is going to happen. 

May 23, 2005

Well it was my last Monday. Kinda sad. But it's weird. It's always the same thing with guys. Like, when I'm at church, Matt gives me butterflies. But, when I am at school, Andrew H. gives me butterflies. But, like right now, neither of them do. Jay does! I dunno. And it sucks because I can't have any of them - even though I only want two. Jay is more of a brother. Then, Matt will see me as his best friend/little sister. Then Andrew H. has a girlfriend. I dunno. And with Matt - I don't want anything to happen there because so many people would be mad or upset. I know it. And with Andrew, if something ever did happen, all my friends would look down on me. But, now that I think about both of them, I get butterflies. See, this is the thing. I wish that I could talk to Jay about. I mean, I guess I could - but I dunno what he'd think. In my mind Matt is better for me because he, well - he just is. But Andrew - gosh! I love him to death! - Not like that though. Like, as a friend. That's another thing. I always have a crush on one of my friends so if anything happened to happen - lots of stuff would be all screwed up. At least, I'd think so. Also, I go through these phases. Like, I went through this "I need a boyfriend" stage. Then I went through the whole "Who cares?" stage. Now, I'm back to square one. I really, really want a boyfriend. Like, not to kiss or anything. But to be able to hold hands with, or have him put his arm around me. Or hug. I <3 hugs! But yeah. I mean, that's not the only reason - I want the closeness of the relationship too and getting to know the guy but yeah. Those are both equal in importance but what catches my attention. Like on Sunday, when I hugged Jay goodbye - when he was holding me - I felt so, I dunno, almost perfect I guess. And I felt safe. I felt like I was on top of the world. And it wasn't because of those butterflies because I know I don't like him despite those butterflies. But I want to have that on top of the world feeling and I don't. I dunno. But, I do know that whenever it happens, it will be more worth than it would be now since time makes the worthiness higher. I think...

____________________________________________________________________

Well, again, cringing. And I love that I pretend like I don't have a crush on Jay when I one thousand percent clearly did.

May 22, 2005

So, this morning at church was Jay's last time here. I got to meet his parents and I really like his mom. I didn't get to talk to his dad much but yeah. When he left, I gave him a really big hug and I almost started crying. But I didn't. When I hugged him he seemed like he didn't want to let go. Then his mom walked up and I think she got the wrong idea. Because he and I were standing between the truck and the opened door and we held onto eachother for a long time and yeah. I think she got the wrong idea. I dunno. I just know that this summer is going to suck without him here. 

Matt wore his t-shirt that I bought him! I was so excited! Anyways, Casey came to ZYM tonight and I felt so bad because he's not a Christian and Mr. Tim kept asking him all this stuff and ugh. I mean, give the guy a break! But yeah. 

____________________________________________________________________

I am cringing SO hard at 15 year old me and the way my adolescent brain interpreted everything. Jay and I are still really good friends - we live less than 10 minutes from each other and see each other frequently - and I honestly can't remember the last time we hugged. So the idea that he "didn't want to let go" seems reeealll silly to me as an adult. Still cringing. 

May 21, 2005

Today was Matt's graduation. I was really proud of him! Afterwards, he was talking to all these cute girls and I dunno. I guess I was jealous. I mean, I'm used to being one of the few girls he pays attention to. And, I mean usually, he pays the most attention to me because we're really close. Like, we tell eachother almost everything. And like I said, it made me jealous and almost angry. I dunno. Then we went to their house for dinner and there were these two girls there. One didn't stay for very long - thank goodness but the other one wouldn't leave him alone. The one that stayed - her name was Jennifer I think. Anyways, he was kind of ignoring her but she was acting like hot stuff - which she wasn't - and it really got on my nerves. You know, I say that Matt is so protective of me, but I am really protective of him too. Then the other girls name was Peggy. Can't stand her. She dressed really slutty and then I was talking to Matt (finally) and he told me that he and Peggy like eachother but she has a boyfriend. Grr! Basically, I took at as if she didn't have a boyfriend, Matt'd be her boyfriend. And it really makes me mad. I guess in reality, I'm just really extra jealous. I mean, I don't think I like him, but I do. I just want him as a brother but I can't help having a crush on him. And he goes after all the cute girls and it really makes me jealous because just once, I want him to see me like he sees those girls. I want to be the one he pays attention to. I want to be the one he thinks about constantly. I want to me the one for him - but I'm not. And I hate that because that's what I want. I know I can't have him because he will never see me like he sees those girls. I'll always be like his best friend. That's it. No more. And it sucks so freakin' bad. Ugh. 
Also, Jay is leaving and tomorrow is the last day I'll see him for like, 3 months. I'll get to see him in the fall. But that doesn't help any because I am going to miss him so much. I feel like I haven't gotten as close to him as I want to be. I mean, I really adore him - I really do. And I know that I am why I'm not close to him as I wish I was. Because I have to many reservations. Like, when I talk to Jay, he tells me something about DD and I know that they are really close. And if he talks about her - then wouldn't talk about me too? Plus, I'm a lot younger than him and I want him to see me as a friend - not some annoying little girl, which I think he does see me as. And I hate that because, yeah, I may be young, but I am really mature for my age and I just want to be able to talk to him and have him confide in me and I dunno. I dunno. I really don't know. 

____________________________________________________________________
Oh fifteen year old Emily. First of all, yes, you were mature for a 15 year old, but no 23 year old is going to see you as anything BUT an annoying kid. Because, news flash, all 15 year olds are annoying kids. Also, everybody talks about everybody, and it's not always nefarious. 

This was definitely a phase in my life where I was interested in MUCH older guys - like 8-10 years older. I don't know if that's a normal phase or not, but your girl was there. 

July 3, 2004

Lawn care went really well today. The only people that were there were Tracy, Sarah, Kelsey, Arienne, Matt, Danielle, and me. When my dad & I drove up, Tracy and Matt and Danielle were walking towards me. I ran (literally) up to them and gave Tracy a big hug. I could tell she really missed me. Then she goes, "Are you gonna hug your friends?" I tried to give Matt a hug but he backed off. I thought he was just being rude. Then he started laughing. I was thinking, "what have I done?" So, I hugged Danielle and she wouldn't let go. I whispered in her ear, "I missed you guys so much! I was so worried about you!" Then I hugged Matt and he wouldn't let go either. I started crying. Later we talked about what happened and Matt's still upset. And he's mad at Daryll because of what he said about Matt hanging around a bunch of girls. Matt wants to punch Daryll. I don't blame him but I kept begging him not to. Oh well.
<3, Emily

July 2, 2004

I am so excited to go to lawn care tomorrow because Matt and Danielle are supposed to be there. They know I know about what happened so I am going to go up to them and give them big hugs. I know it sounds dumb, but I would. Also, I'm gonna have to ask him if he wants his watch back. I've had it for 8 days. And to be honest, I hope he doesn't want it back. I know this sounds stupid to but I love having his watch. Anyways!

<3, Emily!

June 29, 2004

On Saturday at 10, ZYM is doing lawn care. Matt and Danielle are going to be there...I am going to give them all huge hugs!

June 27, 2004

We are in Orange watching The Miss Texas USA pageant.

This morning I talked to Tracy. This is what's going on with Matt and Danielle. [side note from current Emily: I am editing what I wrote then because, again, it's really personal to someone else's life, and most of what I say is speculative] 

After VBS, the [family] took Tracey home. On the way back, they got in a car wreck. Matt blacked out and they thought they lost him for good. When they got home, there was fighting, and Matt and Danielle packed a bag and left on the 4-wheeler. They ended up at their neighbors house who took them to Tracy's house. They weren't able to stay there, and Tracy doesn't know where they are but they are safe. 
And she doesn't know when they'll be back. I mean, it could be tomorrow or it could be 2 months. I hope they come back soon. But when they do come back, I am going to give them all BIG hugs. I just hope that they stay safe. Because I want to be able to say good-bye before they go anywhere. If for some reason they came to our house, I would just hug them forever and I would tell them all that I love them so much. Especially Matt. I mean, he is just my very best guy friend and I would tell him that. I just hope we hear from them really soon!

<3, Emily

I <3 Jackson

June 26, 2004

Well the flag routine went bad. I mean, we did it but we did much better during practices. 

We had been practicing and then we went to the assembly and watched the slide show. It was really cute. Hannah fell asleep on Suzy. After that, we went to practice once more but it started raining. I went inside to put my flag up. Everyone else went to get snowcones. I was talking to Tracy and we went to get something to drink. I got caught behind all these little kids so I got there a little after Tracy. But before I did, I heard this guy say hey girl. And I looked up and Dylan was there. I said hi and asked him what he was doing there and he was there because his brother and sister had been coming all week long. Then he asked me if him coming made up for him not calling me all summer. I was disgusted! After spending time with Matt, Dylan is just a piece of crap. Anyway, Tracy and I decided to make him jealous and we went and got Matt. I told him that Dylan was here and I had to hold him back. (How sweet!) But I told him that I wanted to make Dylan mad since he had broken my heart so many times. We went and stood on the walkway (that's where Dylan was) and Matt was great! He would put his arm around me and he asked to hold my flag for me. Then when he got my flag, he would pop it on my butt! Then he started telling me about how big my butt is. And I told him to quit talking about my butt. And Mary said at least you know he's looking. Dylan was just sitting there and he looked really ticked. Then Daryll came out there and told us to come inside since it was raining. I told Daryll that Dylan wasn't going in either and Daryll said, who is that guy? And I told him his name's Dylan C. Daryll asked me how I knew him. I told him that he went to my school. Then I said can you get him in trouble for not listening. He said why and I told him that I didn't like him and that he had been mean to me. Then he patted me on the shoulder and said Don't worry I'll take care of it. Then I told Jackson and Cash about it and Cash went to ask him about it and he said that Dylan didn't say anything.

Also, Daryll had been teasing Matt about being with all these girls. Later, I was talking to Matt about Sarah and Daryll comes up to us and says, "Matt. Seriously. You don't need to be hanging around all these girls. Especially at church. And it got to Matt. He was really upset. 

Then I spent the night with Suzy last night. This morning Suzy, Amy and I went to go help clean up the church. Neither of us said it but we wanted to go because the [Matt's family] were going to be there. We got there and they weren't there. Just their dad was. We cleaned the 2 nurserys and the ZYM room. We rearranged the furniture in the ZYM room. Then mom and Amy came in and mom told us that she overheard Matt's dad talking to Tammy. This is basically what he told her.

[This part is honestly a little too detailed and all gossip, so I am not comfortable sharing it here. The point of the story is that my two friends, Matt and Danielle, were missing.]

He hasn't heard from them and he has no idea where they would be. I am so incredibly worried. And this is going to sound dumb, but he gave me his watch on Wednesday and told me I could keep it until he asked for it back. I am glad because I will have his watch in case I don't get to see them again. I really sincerely hope that they are at church tomorrow. I don't know what I am going to tell them but I want to tell them to stay where they are. And this will sound dumb but if they are there tomorrow, I want to give them all a big hug!

June 21, 2004

Okay, I'm ticked. First - Suzy is ticking me off. She thinks she is so much better than me and she keeps bugging me about her being in highschool and me being in 8th. For VBS she is supposed to be in the highschool class but she's always been in my class. But this year she went to the highschool class for two reasons. One being that she'd be better than me and two that she were with Matt.

Okay. And mom is freaking mad at me for nothing.

Allyson is making me mad because she keeps showing off for Matt b/c she thinks he likes her and I know he doesn't. And I think she likes him. But I dunno. Anyway this flag team thing sux. She is planning this all around her and all last minute. Nobody with the exception of a few likes it. She is doing all these fancy jumps when none of us can do it and she just makes herself look so perfect and so much better. Because we're doing all this stupid crap and she's doing leaps and everything.

But on a better note, this is going to be shocking but I think I like Jackson again. He is being really sweet to me and ya. I like him. And I think Matt is kinda out of the picture. I mean, he's great and all but still. All that stuff that Tracy told me about what he said not being the same as her dad and Nathan, kinda upset me because I don't want a guy who is going to like to me. And Jackson - it probably won't last long because chances are that when we go back to school, he is going to be all over Hayley and he'll forget about me but whatever. I think I am just going to try to sleep but I don't think it will work cuz I am so dern freakin ticked off because today has been a CRAPPY doo da day because of everything

____________________________________________________________________

And thus begins the moody teenage years where I'm mad at people for being normal humans but I interpret everything as a personal strike against me. Also jealousy.

June 20, 2004

I'm so tired and this is going to be short.

Tracy told me that she asked Danielle if Matt liked Sarah and she said he did. But that she was too young. So that means I'm too young. Which is bad. But he did like Kelsey and she's only a year older than us. But whatever. I don't know if Danielle is telling the truth.

Also, Matt told me that he had talked to Tracy's dad when he liked her. Then I told Tracy that and today she told me that she had asked her dad and he had never talked to Matt. Matt also told me (that same day) that Nathan hadn't given Tracy his messages. But Tracy asked Nathan and he said that he had always given her the phone. 

And I know I should believe one over the other but I believe both of them. So I think that Nathan and his dad aren't telling Tracy the truth. But now that I say it, that doesn't sound right either. Because I highly doubt Nathan would lie to Tracy.

I just don't know because I want to believe Tracy because she's one of my best friends but I also want to believe Matt because he's one of my best guy friends and I like him. Alot. 

That's another thing. I really like Matt because well - I'm just gonna list all the reasons I do like him and ya. 

• he's a Christian
• he's sweet
• he's trustworthy
• he's a good listener
• he's fun to be with
• he's got a GREAT sense of humor
• he makes me laugh
• he cares about me
• he's touchy feely
• he's just awesome
• he has a life plan

I know I'm missing some but overall he's pretty much perfect. Well for me anyhow. But now that I think about it, every guy I've ever liked that was a Christian was what I said "perfect" for me. And there are the down sides too.

• he flirts with every girl
• Tracy doesn't think I should like him
• There are so many girls that like him
• He likes Sarah - not me

Now on that last one - don't get me wrong. I am happy for Sarah, but I know that she's not allowed to date but I am. And I know that he kinda likes me because I can just tell. And I'm not just saying that. Tracy thinks so too. And honestly, I want him so bad. I now he's not going to take me out and two days later dump me. And if he ever does dump me, he won't try to break my heart. But I guess I shouldn't dream. I mean I know that I will enver go out with him unless it's some alternate universe. 

June 19, 2004

Today I had SO much fun at Matt and Danielle's party. We didn't get to go tubing because the boat was messed up. 
Anyway, two of the girls from Danielle's cheerleading squad, came and they were hanging on Matt and totally flirting with him. Sarah and I were ticked because they wouldn't leave him alone and we didn't want to be around those two girls but we wanted to hang around Matt. He didn't want to be around them because he told me that they got on his nerves and that he didn't like them. He kept trying to get us to come over by them but Sarah and I wouldn't since they were all over him. Suzy would but me and Sarah were totally ticked. I think Matt thought we were mad at him since we weren't talking to him. So when I see him tomorrow I'll tell him that we weren't upset with him but we just didn't like those girls. And what made it worse was that they liked him. Anyway that's it!

June 17, 2004

• My date with Dad was good but I have like no money. I spent $41.
• Matt likes Sarah or is starting to. That's what he told me.
• Sarah and Suzy like Matt too.

Suzy didn't want us to tell Matt but Sarah and I told him that all three of us like him. he took it really well and he wasn't acting any different. But we also talked to him about Kelsey. I told him "I don't know how to say this so I am going to be totally honest and I hope you don't take this the wrong way." 

Then I told him what I thought. He told me that he didn't really like her since he told me he did because it sounded stupid when he said it. And he sort of likes Sarah. I told him to go for her. But she doesn't think that she'd be able to. She said she would ask. I told her that I would be so excited if they went out. I would be a little jealous but I would be thrilled! Oh well!

June 16, 2004

This is gonna be really short but I just wanted to say that I really like Matt. And today when we were decorating he kept staring at me and he was TOTALLY flirting with me! So I think that he likes me!

June 15, 2004

I'm going to get straight to the point. I think Matt likes me and if not, then I think he's starting to. I mean I catch him staring at me all the dern time. And he keeps saying stuff about me. When we went to the mall today he kept watching me and he kept talking to me and walking beside me. Tracy doesn't know that I like him but she wants him to go out with me. i plan on telling her tomorrow but I'm afraid of how she's going to take it. She told me that she wanted to tell him to go out with me and to stop liking Kelsey. I was so freaked because she didn't know for sure yet that I like him. And the more time I spend with him the more I like him. We saw Cassie at the mall today and I told Matt that I knew her but I didn't like her and he goes, "Well I'll go tell her something." And he started going over to her and I stopped him. But he was going to go beat her up for me just because I didn't like her. I was like 'oh that's so sweet" because he was actually standing up for me. 

____________________________________________________________________

WHAT?!?! Dear young Emily, I love you, but you're an idiot. Like, first of all, all those things are called normal human interaction, not flirting. Second, he was not going to go "beat up" a girl on your behalf, and if he was, he's definitely not the guy for you. 

June 13, 2004

Today me, and Monique stayed after VBS practice to play games. We called the [family] and Matt and Danielle came. The fist time Matt hid by himself and we found him but he kept moving. Finally we gave up. He came back and then he and I went to hide. He wanted to go up in the attic but I was scared. He was telling me that it wouldn't be that bad and since I like him a lot I did. We hid up there for a while. But while Danielle and Monique were hiding Matt and I started talking about Allyson and he told me he used to like her. Then he didn't. And he told me he likes Kelsey. I was so dern mad. I mean I was more jealous then mad. Because I know she likes him too. And she's not allowed to date or court. I want her to be able to go out with him because I want him to be happy - I think I'm going to tell him that he likes her but that she's not allowed to date or court and tell him briefly about why he shouldn't like her because of what she's been saying about me, Tracy, and Sarah. But I won't give names or tell him straight up that I don't think he should go out with her or like her because it's not my deal or my business. I dunno. I will write him a note because I don't want to wait until Sunday. That's too long and there will be too many people around. So that's what I'll do!

June 12, 2004

MMK. Last night was game night at church. Me, Allyson, Kelsey, Matt, Mark and Danielle were all going to play sardines in the new church. Then all the little kids cam so we were hiding from them. Then it turned into them playing "captives" against us. They were "capturing" us and trying to keep us captive. Then they started getting mean and they were hurting us. But we were running from them and we hid under the stairs in the new church. It was so much fun. Then today Allyson and Kelsey invited me over to do the same thing. They called [family] and Danielle was the only one home. By the way - sorry if this is sloppy. I'm writing it lying down. Anyways. Danielle, Allyson Kelsey and I were on a team. Then Conner, Courtland, Arienne, and Alexandra were playing. I got so sunburned! Anyway - my point of telling this story is that I really think I like Matt. Alot. I mean, I've spent more time with him and last night it was really dark. Me, Matt, and Allyson were all staying together. We went looking for the others - Mark, Kelsey and Danielle - and we went into this passageway under the stairs in the new church. (one again I'm laying down so sorry if this is sloppy.) Anyhow, me and Allyson wanted to be able to hold on to one another and like I said this going to sound dumb but I was holding Matt's hand like the whole time and this is going to sound dumb but I loved the way it felt. And not to brag but I think he likes me too because he flirts with me alot and I catch him staring at me all the darn time. Anyway that's what I wanted to say but to say it I had to give a lot of background info. So that's why it took forever to get to the point. Oh well. I'm done now!

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If only I could go back and tell my younger self that he was flirting with everybody and that I wasn't special and that he was probably not the best person to have a crush on at the time...oh well. Maybe one day.

June 8, 2004

Well Tracy Sarah and I decided that we were going to tell Pastor D about what's going on. He is going to be at Tracy's tomorrow. I have been trying to get a hold of Sarah to ask her but her line is busy. Well changing subject. I've been going to CokeMusic.com. It's basically a big chatroom. Well I met this guy and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. I know it's weird but I just felt sorry for him. Anyway - I won't give him any personal information if he asks. I'll just say no. Anyway - that's all I gots!

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First of all, remember the day when you couldn't talk to who you wanted to immediately because they're phone line was busy? Nostalgia. Also, CokeMusic.com?? I definitely have a firm visual image of what that site looked like in my mind. I had totally forgotten that it even exists - I just checked and it no longer exists, but there is a surprisingly lengthy Wikipedia page about it. 

June 7, 2004

Okay. I heard that a diary is supposed to be like a letter to a best friend that you totally trust. So I am gonna spill everything which will help but if anyone reads this they will know way too much. Oh well. here goes.

Last night ZYM went to Putt Putt. Afterwards, me, Sarah, Monique, Matt, Mark, and Danielle came to the church to play games. Oh ya, Nathan was there too. I didn't like anybody but after begin around Nathan and Matt I started to like them more. And I don't want to like either of them. I don't want to like Matt because I just can't like him. And I don't want to like Nathan like that because I want him to be more of my brother. I mean, he's such a great role model. He's a very strong Christian and you can tell. I want to be able to talk to him like a brother because he's such a good listener and he gives good advice. And I know he's not going to blab. He also cares about everyone, even people who he doesn't exactly like. I just don't know. 

Kelsey is frustrating me so much. She is making up all this stuff and she talks bad about everyone. And I know I'm talking bad about her but she talks about everyone to everyone. Which classifies as gossip. This is all she told me. Tracy doesn't mind her business. Nobody talked to Allyson. Danielle lies to everyone and me and Tracy flirt with Matt too much. All of that is cruel. Tracy just wants to help everyone and make sure they are okay. Allyson won't talk to anyone but Kelsey and Sara. Danielle - dunno. And Tracy and I don't flirt with Matt. I mean to be totally honest, I might. But Tracy for sure doesn't. And I don't know where Kelsey got it. I told mom what was going on and she told me that [family] doesn't trust or like Tracy because she lies and stirs up trouble on purpose. Crap Crap Crap! Tracy has never ever lied to me on purpose and she would never stir up trouble. And I know that's why Kelsey is hounding Tracy. Because she tells her parents everything and believes everything they tell her as well. Ugh. I dunno. Tracy and Sarah are coming over tomorrow and we are going to try to figure out how to solve our problem. Well my hand hurts so bye bye!

____________________________________________________________________

Welp. The tea has been spilled. *cringes*

End of Diary Bonus

Another diary down, although this one was barely 1/3 filled up. However, I did have some very important information written in the back cover, which I thought I'd share. 

Burned CD list
Avril Lavigne - Complicated
                            Skater boy
                            my world
                             losing grip


Travis Dream
good TAKS
crush on Scott
Dream about flying dillys & Jackson


1 866 411 4090
I'm a celebrity! Get me out of here!
Vote Number



Mom's make
$1.4 trillion a year if they got paid for home work
Most phone calls R made on Mom's day
5,000 diaper changes.

June 3, 2004

This is like forever later but I decided to start keeping a diary again. 
Well it's summer and I guess the most important thing is who I like. I think I like 2 guys. One is totally in my reach but isn't good for me. The other one is good for me but is way out of my reach. The good one is Daryll D. I like him because he is so sweet. He can be funny and he is fun to be around.
The big thing is that he is such a strong Christian and you can tell. The bad one is Dylan C. I like him because he is such a great friend, and I know he likes me. For sure. But he's bad for me because he cusses, he flirts with all the girls and he isn't a Christian - for sure. And he's broken my heart so many times but I can't help but like him. ***Another thing, I have not been me lately I mean I guess I have let all the people at school and the environment. I have been cussing and I realized that it's really wrong and trashy. But now that I have started, I can't stop I mean I can but I keep thinking it and it frustrates me.
Well earlier I was talking about who I liked. Well there's another guy but I don't know if I like him or not. But every time I'm around him I stare at him and I get butterflies but whenever he's not around I don't feel anything for him. Just to clue you in - it's Jay H. And I wouldn't want to tell anyone because I wouldn't want to hurt DD. Plus, if anyone in my family found out they would freak. Suzy, Amy, Dan, and DD all want DD to have him. And I also want DD to have him because she hasn't had that many boyfriends and she and Jay act so cute together. Also DD still likes Jay. And DD made a list of the must have qualities (as well as some "would be nice ifs") and Jay fit all of the must haves and some of the would nice ifs. I just don't know. Anyhow. I think I've written enough for one night. I will try to write every day but the only problem is that I am not the most faithful person. Especially when it comes to diarys. I have a strong tendency to just say, "Oh, I'll write later." and then never ever do anything. So ya. 
<3 ya! 
Emily